


from the inside

by valkyriered



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mind Rape, Shiro (Voltron)-centric, ulaz lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 10:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10011860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valkyriered/pseuds/valkyriered
Summary: Voltron gets hit with a virus. It doesn't feel nice.





	

“Careful.” Allura warns them over the coms. The small Galra science vessel blips in and out of existence, swerving with every swipe Voltron makes towards them. It disappears from in front of them before suddenly materializing behind them. They twist, and Keith swings again, and the ship darts out of existence once more. Lance makes a quiet noise of frustration.  
  
“They’re not even trying to hit us anymore.” He complains. “They’re just getting really close, and then jumping away.”  
  
“Should we split up?” Keith asks, and Shiro knows right away that Keith is itching to go zooming after them and tear them apart.  
  
He considers for a moment, and then shakes his head. “No.” He supplies for the sake of the comms. He’d rather keep the team close. Something about this feels—wrong. Strange. The fact that the ship hadn’t fired since they’d formed Voltron, that they only seem interested in getting close. A thought occurs to them. “Pidge, are they scanning us?”  
  
She goes quiet for a minute, and he hears the familiar sound of her clacking away at her console. “Not— kind of?” Shiro doesn’t say anything, waiting for her to gather her thoughts and explain herself. “They’re not looking for life signs, or anything. And they’re not really scanning our systems. It looks like they’re just looking at how we’re built.”  
  
“I can get in my ship.” Ulaz offers over the comms, and Shiro’s mouth curls into a small smile.  
  
“I don’t think that’s going to be necessary.” He says, eyeing the ship as it jerks around. “Could it be that they’re trying to replicate Voltron?”  
  
Allura snorts derisively. “ _Nobody_ can replicate Voltron.” She says, with only a touch of Altean smugness.  
  
“They might be looking for weak points.” Shiro offers. He watches the ship for a moment more. Really, he’s being stupid. Obviously the small vessel wants them to be in formation, for whatever reason. It’s silly to play into their hands. “Alright, team.” He says. “I’m getting a bad feeling about this. Disengage.”  
  
Lance lets out a whoop, eager to go after the frustrating little ship. Shiro begins the process of pulling back, when suddenly the small vessel starts crackling with purple energy.  
  
“Paladins, watch out!” Allura cries, but they’re barely able to jerk out of the way when the energy suddenly comes shooting at them with force that seems way too strong for such a little ship. They all brace for impact as the energy collides with Voltron, but nothing seems to happen. In fact, they barely move. The energy dissipates against their metal plating, sparking slightly.  
  
“Uh, what just happened?” Hunk asks, and through the viewscreen Shiro sees him looking wildly around. “Did something happen? Did I miss it?”  
  
“I’m not sure. Pidge—“ Shiro cuts himself off suddenly, shifting in his seat. Something is— something is _wrong_.  
  
“Guys?” Hunk asks, and he’s clearly feeling it too, because is voice is suddenly wavering. Shiro hears Lance gasp, and a glance at the viewscreen tells him that Keith’s face has turned white.  
  
“Pidge, what were we just hit with?” Shiro demands, trying to stay in control despite the feeling of something itching under his skin. He flexes his hands on the controls. Now is not the time to lose it.  
  
“Some kind of virus.” She grits out. “I’m trying to localize it.”  
  
“Hurry.” Shiro says, already feeling it grow in strength. What initially started off as an uncomfortable twinge in the pit of his stomach is already scrabbling up and down his arms, climbing around inside him. He resists the urge to gag. It’s inside him, it’s under his skin, rooting around for information regardless of what’s in it’s way. It’s deeply, violatingly intimate as it presses through his muscles and bones, sluices through his veins. His hands tighten on the controls until his knuckles turn white, his teeth gritting against— it’s not pain, really. More like intense discomfort. He bites back a gasp as it crawls right up inside his chest, wrapping around his heart. It’s inside him, it’s inside him— it’s touching everything, and he can’t get it out and it won’t stop. He scrabbles blindly at the Black Lion’s controls, but he’s locked out. Their external comms are jammed, too, even as he repeatedly smacks at the button to contact the Castleship. The— _thing_ slides around in his body, in his head, and he hears Lance whimpering over the comms, Keith’s quiet, shuddering breathing.  
  
“Pidge?” He begs, half of him hoping that she’s unconscious and not feeling this, the other, more selfish half hoping that she’s toughing through this and fixing whatever’s wrong.  
  
“Almost there.” She responds, but her voice is strangled like she’s crying.  
  
“Good job.” He says through gritted teeth. “You’re doing so good. Just keep going, okay?”  
  
“Shiro.” Hunk gasps. “Shiro, it’s _in_ me—“  
  
“I know, Hunk. It’s okay. Just keep breathing, alright? I’m right here.” And somehow, focusing on the others makes it feel better, even as he feels the edges of his vision going dark, every other blink taking him back to an ice-cold table with purple lights glowing above him. “Keith? Lance?”  
  
“Here.” Keith says, only the unsteadiness of his voice betraying his discomfort.  
  
“Lance?” Shiro repeats, but all he hears is soft crying. “Lance it’s okay. It’s okay.” He sways in his seat. “It’s gonna be fine.” Even as he says it, he rubs his hands against his chest, digging his nails against his armor. He knows it’s not really in him, under his skin, twisting around his organs and brain, but fuck, it feels like it. The violation is intense and agonizing and he wants to cry and die and tear off all his skin. He feels Haggar’s fingers rooting around his insides, elbow-deep in things that should never be touched.  
  
He drowns.  
  
When he comes to, it’s over. The feeling dissipates, running out through him and leaving him empty except for a slight tingling in his fingertips. He gasps for air, hearing the other paladins taking great, heaving breaths as well. Through his viewscreen, he watches the ship turn tail and run.  
  
“—Aladins? Paladins!” Allura is calling repeatedly through the comms. “Paladins, do you hear me?”  
  
“Here.” Shiro slurs. “Allura, we’re—“ He chokes, doubles over and vomits violently, feeling it spatter against his shoes. He stays there, his head between his knees, shaking in relief. He feels sick and hypersensitive, shivering and cold and hot all at the same time. The other paladins are beginning to withdraw, but even that feels too intense.  
  
“Shiro?” Keith asks weakly.  
  
“M’here. M’fine. Let’s go back.”  
  
“What happened?” Allura asks, but her voice is tinny and Shiro barely has the energy to pilot his Lion, much less explain the situation.  
  
“I’ll tell you when we get back.” He mumbles, pulling away from the connection. Hunk whimpers quietly as they return to their own lions. Lance has gone silent.  
  
He wants to be strong for them, but all his limbs are shaking and his head is cloudy, and he’s just on the edge of not being sure where he is. He turns off his microphone and begins guiding the Black Lion back towards the Castleship.  
  
“Shiro?” Ulaz’s voice is soft over the comms, and he can tell by the tone that it’s a private channel.  
  
Shiro shivers suddenly, violently, and he turns his mic back on. “She was _inside_ me.” His grip tightens on Black’s controls. He hates how much it sounds like a whine, how desperately he grasps at the chance to be weak. He feels tears well in his eyes and drip silently down his cheeks, and takes a hitching breath. “She was _inside me_.” He sounds crazed but he can’t get his breathing under control, can’t get his hands to relax.  
  
Ulaz is silent for a beat, and then he speaks again, deep and calm. “I’ll be in the hangar when you return.”  
  
Shiro shudders. “Okay.”  
  
When he lands back in the hangar he vomits again from the sheer relief of being safe and home again. He claws at his armor, trying to unclasp it and tear it off and get it _off him_ , and his chest plate cracks from the force of his metal arm. He’s shaking too bad to even properly remove the gauntlets, and he trips and hits his head on the wall of Black while desperately trying to force off one of his boots. It’s cold there, against the metal flooring, and he can’t stop shaking and he can’t slow his breathing and so he just presses his forehead to the cool metal, trying to calm himself, trying to get himself to stop crying.  
  
It must have been too long, though, because Ulaz comes in over his comms. “Shiro.”  
  
Shiro grits his teeth and lets out an embarrassing, pitiful whimper. He hates himself. He curls up even tighter, wrapping his arms around his midsection.  
  
“I’m going to come in.”  
  
He must have made a noise of assent, because moments later he can hear Ulaz’s boots against the metal floor, can hear the pause when he sees Shiro shivering in the corner. Ashamed, probably. Embarrassed to know him. Pitying.  
  
He feels Ulaz tug gently at his boot, pressing the button to release the suction before taking it off and tossing it away. He moves to the next one, struggles a bit more with this one because the heel was mangled by Shiro’s arm.  
  
Next he moves up to to the guards on his shins, and then thighs. He hesitates at the belt, skipping over to take care of what’s left of his chest plate and gauntlets. The helmet comes last, and Shiro’s sweat-damp hair spills out against the floor.  
  
Once Shiro is stripped down, he curls up tighter, hiding in the darkness of his arms, wrapping his hands around the back of his head like he’s expecting a blow. It’s safe here, in the dark. He doesn’t look at Ulaz. He doesn’t want to look at him, or deal with the pity on his face. He knows the rest of the paladins need him but at this point, the idea of picking himself up off the floor seems like a monumental task.  
  
Ulaz seems to pick up on this, because Shiro suddenly feels two strong hands under his underarms, pulling him up into a sitting position.  
  
“They need you.” Ulaz’s voice comes in a soft rumble.  
  
“I know.” Shiro breathes. He wipes at his face with his sleeve, getting rid of the worst of the tears and snot. He closes his eyes briefly, takes a deep breath. “Okay.”  He forces himself into a standing position and does his best to calm the vicious trembling in his arms and legs. “Okay.”  
  
When he comes out of his Lion, the others are already on the hangar floor. He’s not the only one shaking, and when Pidge comes over to him, sniffling and wiping at her eyes, he picks her up and lets her press her face against his throat.  
  
“You did such a good job.” He murmurs. “You did so well. You saved all of us. I’m so proud of you.” Her fingers tangle in the fabric of his undersuit as she lets out a quiet sob, tightening her grip on him. He blinks rapidly, trying to keep the tears from his eyes as he walks over to the rest of them. Lance has his face buried in Hunk’s shoulder, and Keith— Keith is wide-eyed and pale and has his arms wrapped around himself like he’s trying to protect himself from something.  
  
“Keith.” Shiro says softly, and Keith starts, getting that much paler before his eyes land on Shiro. “Hey. C’mere.” He holds out his free arm, and Keith slides into the hug, wrapping his arms around Shiro’s waist. “You okay?”  
  
Keith nods, but he still presses his face into Shiro’s shoulder and takes a few deep, shuddering breaths. Shiro rubs at his back. “Hunk? Lance?” He asks, checking in with the two of them. Hunk’s eyes are damp and he looks slightly green, but he still looks up at Shiro. Lance, however, doesn’t seem to have any interest in moving his head from Hunk’s shoulder.  
  
“Can we go somewhere?” Pidge asks quietly, and Shiro nods against her hair. More than anything, he wants a shower, but his paladins come first.  
  
“Let’s go to the lounge, okay?” He glances over at Allura, who’s anxiously awaiting his report, but that’ll have to wait. First, he has to take care of the others. He shakes his head at her and tightens his grip around Keith before heading out of the hangar.  
  
When they get to the lounge, they immediately fall in a pile against the couch, pressed as close as they possibly can. Keith is on his left, Pidge has claimed his lap, and Hunk guides Lance down to sit bracketed between the two of them.  
  
“Hey.” Shiro says softly, touching his forehead to Lance’s. “You doing alright?”  
  
Lance doesn’t say anything, but he exhales slowly and relaxes against Shiro. His answer is clear. None of them are really doing alright, though. Pidge still has tear stains on her face, and Keith hasn’t stopped shaking.  
  
Shiro runs a hand through Keith’s hair. “I’m sorry that happened. I know it was scary.” He winds his free arm around Lance to grasp Hunk’s hand. “You all did a great job.”  
  
“It felt… really _bad_.” Lance finally says quietly.  
  
“I know.” Shiro murmurs. “I know.”  
  
“What if it happens again?” Hunk asks.  
  
“We’ll deal with it.” Shiro rubs his thumb gently against his hand. “And we’ll talk with Coran, and see if we can’t set up some better virus protection.”  
  
None of them really seem comforted by that, but they lapse into silence until Pidge offers to put on a movie. It seems like the best way to keep them distracted and out of their own heads. She takes her seat again and sprawls across Shiro’s lap, and he feels the tension melt out of the paladins around him. Even Lance manages to drift off against Hunk’s shoulder. It’s not that surprising, really— it had been a big day, and crying takes a lot out of you.  
  
It takes Shiro a lot of careful maneuvering to extricate him from the pile without waking the others up. He creeps out of the lounge as the credits roll on the movie, makes his way down to Ulaz’s room.  
  
“Can you— wait outside. While I shower.” Shiro won’t look at him when he asks, but the idea of showering— of being that exposed with no protection— frightens him. But he needs— honestly, he’s not quite sure what he needs at this point. He wants to rip off his skin and scrub his insides. He wants to burn himself until he can erase any mark anyone ever made on him.  
  
Ulaz nods impassively, trails after him on the way to the bathroom. He even brings his blade along, even though they both know Shiro’s paranoia is just a result of his anxiety. He helps Shiro out of his flight suit and sits on the bench just outside the plastic curtain. Shiro knows he’s being silly, feels like a child inexplicably afraid of monsters that aren’t there, but knowing that Ulaz is there makes him a little safer.  
  
He turns the hot water all the way up until it’s scalding and turns his skin bright red. He scrubs at himself with every little bottle inside the shower. He rubs himself raw with the little cloth until all his skin is fresh and pink and tender, and the water swirling down the drain is tinted slightly pink. His chin trembles and his hands shake and he curls up in the bottom of the shower, shaking and shivering despite the heat, until Ulaz comes in and turns off the water.  
  
Ulaz tries to be as gentle as possible with the soft towel, but Shiro still hisses in pain as he carefully dries him off. He presses it against Shiro’s cheeks, wiping away the tears that keep dripping down his face. “I can still feel her.” Shiro chokes. Ulaz tells him that it wasn’t her, not really, but Shiro doesn’t believe him.  
  
“I’m being selfish.” He tells Ulaz. “I should be with them.” Ulaz pauses, looking up from where he’s drying off Shiro’s legs.  
  
“You took care of your men first. You attended to their needs before your own. That is not selfish.” He says it as though it’s obvious, as though Shiro is an idiot for not realizing.  
  
Shiro shakes his head and grits his teeth and uselessly wipes at his face. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Don’t apologize.” Ulaz says, finishing up and draping the towel over Shiro’s shoulders. “You did well. You and your men are safe.”  
  
“They’re not okay.”  
  
Ulaz studies him for a moment. “Every battle results in one of two things. Knowledge, or death. Today you came out of your battle knowing more about what you and your team can endure. That should be a comfort.”  
  
“It isn’t.”  
  
“I’m sorry for that.” Ulaz runs his knuckles along Shiro’s cheek, and Shiro turns to nuzzle at his hand.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I only do what is necessary.”  
  
“Still.” Shiro leans against Ulaz. “Thank you.”  
  
Ulaz looks a little surprised, but he strokes gently through Shiro’s hair. “You should rest.”  
  
Shiro ducks his head in embarrassment. “I don’t think I can sleep tonight. Besides, I should get back to the others.”  
  
Ulaz tilts his head, considering. “I will join you.” Shiro opens his mouth to protest, but Ulaz shakes his head. “You will feel safer with me there. I will come.”  
  
When they get back, Shiro picks his way back to his spot in the center of the pile. Lance stirs, but once Shiro is settled relaxes against him like he was always there. Pidge is curled against his legs, Keith against back. Hunk blinks blearily, but smiles when he sees Shiro back in the center of the pile.  
  
Shiro offers a small smile back, watching as Hunk’s eyes drift shut before looking over at Ulaz. He can barely see his silhouette in the dim lighting, but he sits there, straight-backed with his blade across his knees like he’s protecting the most important thing in the world.  
  
The other paladins are warm against him, their breathing slow and calming. The room is dark and safe. Shiro melts into the others, and lets his eyes drift shut.

**Author's Note:**

> It took like.... 3 hours but i wrote this all in one go and i'm super proud of myself. that being said, it hasn't been proofread so uh. let me know if you find any glaring mistakes. thank you so much for reading this, i really appreciate all the love && support yall give me.
> 
> edit: I have a fandom sideblog now at: https://queenvallkyrie.tumblr.com/ where I'll probably start posting outtakes from fics. please come by and send me some love.


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